Proverbs 22:6
Train a child up in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. (KJV)
Clarke's Commentary on the Bible:
"Initiate the child at the the opening (the mouth) of his path..."
"... he shall not leave it when he is old."
http://www.studylight.org/com/acc/view.cgi?book=pr&chapter=022
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I imagine standing with her at the end of a long dark hallway - a beam of light flowing from the door that is open to some great outdoors beyond... her tiny fingers in mine - and me... trying not to be scared for her as she trusts me to get her through this darkness to that door.
I feel that tightening in my chest that makes it difficult to swallow and breathe and think - what in the world could have ever possessed me to dare to even dream of being a mom...
... and then I realize it was never a conscious choice based upon looking at what I would face - what she would face - but because I wanted to know what it was to love a being that much.
... In some ways... I suppose that sounds so very selfish...
... In other ways - it makes me understand why God made us.
It's something that baffled me for a long while - why an infinite, perfect, holy being would ever choose to create something with free will if he knew the experiment would fail from the start.
It wasn't out of necessity.
It wasn't even out of fulfilling a need.
I used to think it was simply because it's the nature of Love - and God is Love - to want to Love something other than self - so he created something "other" to love...
and perhaps that is closer to the truth...
perhaps he simply wanted to love something that much.
It sounds crude... except that I would only want my parents to have me - not because they thought it was going to be fun or easy or a bed of roses or even pleasant most of the time... but because they simply wanted to love me that much.
Love something that really didn't inherently deserve it - and love it so much that it felt like my heart was walking around on those two unsteady plump legs, careening into furniture and people and landing on plump diapers with alternating giggles and cries. Loving that little being no matter what - whether it pees in your face as a baby, or spits in it as a teenager, or abandons you as an adult.
I want to love my son/daughter that much.
Which is what terrifies me so much about this open door and hallway scenario.
Perhaps... perhaps I could take the fact that I had damned myself... but not my daughter or son. Perhaps I could forgive myself for not loving myself... but not if I didn't love them.
This thought arrests and terrifies me.
For they will have as much free will as me... and knowing how I (ab)use my free will - it honestly terrifies me.
Of all creatures we are most cruel in our feelings.
Training you up in the way you should go...
(Don't miss - don't miss those opportunities)
Fleeting chances to tell you how much I love you
How much my heart beats for you
Packing your lunch
And tucking you in at night
Watching you play and watching you learn
hours spent staring into your eyes at late night feedings
when you've woken me up and we're both so distraught all we can do is cry
tracing your eyebrows and marveling at the smoothness of your skin
the delight of your dimples
the curve of your mouth and your kissable nose
You haven't even been born yet and I am in love with you.
When you are a teenager and exercising your independence
Discovering the power of your free will and the ability to inflict pain
I will be distraught when you tell me you hate me for the first time...
... even if I know you don't mean it.
... and more if I think that maybe you really do...
I will be ripped to shreds with worry on your first date -
no matter whether I trust this boy/girl - because inevitability -
short of Jesus Christ Himself
I will not be trusting them...
or you.
(You are your mother's daughter/son after all.)
I know it will feel like my heart is torn out of my chest your first day of college
your wedding day
every time I watch you leave
and each time I have to say goodbye when you walk down the airport
out the door
to the car
holding your own son or daughter's hand.
And I'll know that you'll always be a step too late to understand
As I am with my parents.
And yet every single one of those opportunities -
I will want to catch every one of them.
Every moment to tell you how much I love you
Knowing I have failed before I have even begun
Knowing that my heart will be stretched - altered - reshaped
and never the same again...
pregnant with love for you...
Standing at that dark hallway with that beam of light shining on us...
I will know that I will want nothing - absolutely nothing in the world
more
than trusting we're going to get through that door...
and I'll choose - I will choose to have and love you...
... if you can call this love a choice...
And I will pray with every last breath in my body
that this Love will follow you
and you will follow this Love
even when you are olde.
When I'm not even there to finally walk you through that open door.
Don't let me miss these opportunities. Don't let me miss them as a daughter... don't let me miss them as a mom.
I know I will - but for every one I miss - please let me catch ten more.
And the ones that fall through my clumsy fingers - don't let them fall to the ground -
Not One Sparrow -
Without you taking note.
And
thank you.
Thank you for loving us that much...
That for the joy set before you - you endured the shame and pain of the Cross...
before we were even born...
before we were even made...
You knew... and You wanted to love us that much.
So that we could be changed and altered
Forever reshaped
Pregnant with your love.
Thoughtlessly
Carelessly
Freely
Careening around with your heart on our unsteady legs.
We are of all creatures most blest to be thus loved.
Amen.
